We don’t have conflicts the right way in our work world. First we tamp them down, later the aftereffects come back at us in various more or less destructive ways. In the name of keeping the peace, you uproot the peace – even when it’s the last thing you wanted.
We need to talk about the hard stuff and this is why:
For some reason, we ended up believing that being «slightly resigned» is the normal, “professional” state someone at work should be in. We can be «civil» around conflict, or «be adult» and «just get it over with». This harms you, and them, and your company.
It’s a misconception based on what seems to be normal in the work world. But just because it’s the majority of what we see doesn’t make it more right. (Something humans fall prey to a LOT – if «everyone» does it, surely it has to be right? No!). It also is a misconception based on the assumption that we are predominantly cool, rational beings who again “just need to control themselves like an adult”.
But because we aren’t predominantly rational (shocker), our humanity comes out all sorts of weird ways, and actually less uncontrollable, compared to if we took it into account right away.
Imagine someone telling themselves they’re NOT ANGRY (or worse, never – that they are someone who just doesn’t feel anger. But every single human does – fact.), desperately trying to keep it together. The anger will come out when their report fucks up and come to confess. Or they will go home and shout at their loved ones. Or they will speed and cause an accident… the list is endless. The emotional energy has to go somewhere.
So yes, totally: You can shut people down, and then the disagreements seem to vanish. People keep their shit together, sometimes for a long time even. But you pay with a different currency: Resignation. Stowed away anger, disappointment.
And at some point, it will blow up in your face as a leader. Some more, and some less obvious, but here’s a list to give you an idea:
The list of harm tamped down conflict will cause:
Anger – some people may just lose it “out of the blue” at some point. Let’s say a leader has a history of shutting people up when they complain about a too-big pile of work, because it’s just industry standard. It can be really hard to speak up against that ongoingly, so someone might have their boundary hurt again and again. Violated boundaries bottle up anger, and that’s how they suddenly may explode. And that’s actually one of the better signs, because anger is something you can often still work with.
Resistance – some people revert to quiet resistance when they feel unheard. “You don’t want to listen to my good reasons? Well, watch me!” knowing better!” Then proceed to secretly doing what they think is right, or even the opposite to defy you. If there had been an agreement about their ideas, what could have been an asset for the company may turn into a big problem. If there had been an agreement about their ideas, what could have been an asset for the company may turn into a big problem.
Resignation – a lot (!) of people stop giving a shit. Of course! It’s not worth it. They will do the minimum viable amount and stop investing their emotional energy, their hearts, their creativity. That doesn’t mean they obviously do a bad job. They’ll just quietly underperform in comparison to what they could do, fall off over time and greatly limit what the team would be capable of in theory.
Actual quitting – people will leave, at least as soon as an alternative is in sight. They have all sorts of reasons on the surface – and they may well feel true for them, too, like a long commute. But it takes a LOT more to leave a relationship in which you were happy as opposed to one in which you felt unheard and unseen with your desires and skills.
Why the conflict avoidance even though the cost is high?
It’s essentially evolution meeting modern living.
First the evolution bit: As humans, we have a strong bias towards avoiding any kind of conflict and discomfort (if we aren’t the aggressive type anyway, but most of us aren’t!). Especially when our capacity is low. We want things to be harmonious within our group – getting pushed out of it means death. Well, meant death during most of our evolutionary history, but it’s still in our system.
Now modern living: This one provides «low capacity»: It tends to put us on edge a lot with all the scary stuff that happens in the world around us. We’re less well connected than we used to in the stone age, too: We used to live with close family / the same humans all of our lives. We couldn’t just be fired. Now, we never quite know what to expect, feeling at least unsettled and insecure more often than not.
So back to a tricky, potentially conflict-laden situation: Your survival instincts are activated super quickly, because you aren’t naturally grounded and safe. When you are in an emergency – even if it’s just an “imagined” one – you don’t think far out. You try to fix things, keep the peace, tamp it down. However, most of the consequences are far out. So it makes complete sense that you wouldn’t think about those and act accordingly when the house is on fire.
Don’t argue in survival mode, but argue you shall.
Ha, didn’t I just tell you to not postpone the conflicts?
Well here’s the nuance: When you notice you feel uneasy, don’t shut people down. Tell them you heard them, but you don’t think it’s a good moment to talk. Agree on a date and time to discuss thing in peace and quiet. Even if it’s five minutes from now. You need to get your brains back online and gather your thoughts beyond what your mind yells at you in emergency mode.
Here’s why it’s worth it – aka what you can gift your people by hearing them out in «leader = safe space» mode:
- The opportunity to be heard and taken seriously with their ideas and perspectives.
- Give them a sense of connection, trust and with it, safety.
- A workplace they genuinely enjoy showing up to.
Beyond the human aspect, you let in more varied ideas and versions of “the truth” which is a super valuable asset for a company. Instead of pretending to agree, you can find a) real agreements – meaning things people actually, wholeheartedly and literally *agree* to instead of (again) just pretending to keep that peace.
… and b) a way forward for your work/company goals that is more way robust, because it took more aspects into account. I mean… When people don’t have to manage their emotions or think about ways to quit, manipulate and get back at you, they can actually put their resources towards finding creative solutions.
How can you shake it, what can you do differently?
The most important bit is to learn how to regulate yourself, your own nervous system, in the moment, so you actually can bear people showing up with their emotions. Unfortunately for you, it’s hardest at the beginning, because feelings have gotten pent up – sometimes for a long time.
The work on yourself to get rid of baked in patterns, prejudices, your own pent up feelings, facing your blindspots etc. is by far the a) hardest and b) most time consuming part of this. When you can HOLD your people in their process, knowing you can live with their true opinions, they will show up. I can’t just give this to you in a simple blog post, but I talk a lot about this process in general. For now I’ll give you two things to try right away, just to put your feelers out and start with something:
- Just tell them: Invite people to tell them what they really think. Go first and be honest, tell them what matters to you. Tell them you want to make a difference and what you wish to be different.
Hint: This can take time, especially if you used to shut them down. You can go first and tell them how much it matters to you and that you want to make a change. And I strongly recommend to start with people who you love and feel approachable and not the trickiest ones that are about to jump off the wagon or otherwise emotionally far away. - Try to catch yourself early when you avoid a topic that feels sensitive, and speak to the discomfort you notice, as long as it still feels fresh and small. Example: You announce a decision on a meeting, and notice someone’s face fall. Talk to them in private and get curious about their viewpoint.
Again, choose to do it with people you feel close and comfortable with, and pick things that aren’t super significant. It’s like training in the gym: You wouldn’t jump in and do the heaviest weight if you haven’t worked out that way before.
Two things here: These are only small experiments. I will hold a free workshop going way deeper into conflicts and how to resolve them on September 24, 2025. Sign up for my e-mail list here to get all the details. Secondly, as a bonus, you’ll get my guide for better no’s right away, which will help you to deal with conflict differently, too.