Almost two months ago, I became disgusted by my own writing – once again. In hindsight I realise I got lost in all the beautiful voices around me – and forgot about my own. A thing which is all too common amongst sensitive, empathic people.
We are like a giant receiver of others’ voices… Soaking them up, making them our (almost) own. And generally, this is an utterly successful strategy in life. I mean – how handy to be able to pick up the energy of a room, the core idea of a concept, someone’s enticing solution to a tricky problem. Like me being known for my ability to pass a test – just due to that incredible feel for what truly matters – to others.
So, in my life, letting myself be penetrated by the wisdom around me has paid off big time.
However, it comes at a cost: There is no space left for my truth to be expressed. All of my focus goes into picking up on the energies around. Honestly, for the longest time, I didn’t even notice how the thing that’s “me” becomes fainter and fainter. It’s strongest after a break, but inexorably, I morph back into the perfect copycat. And all I would get was a very vague feeling of something being off.
It’s everything but obvious or straightforward. I believe in the beauty and wisdom around me. It’s super inspiring, gives me elevation and deep insight. It changes my life. And it got more intense over the years: The more people I find whose stuff I deeply adore, the more it gets all mixed up within myself. I make the gifts around me my own – almost. I become a medley of voices that aren’t really me. And it’s so wonderful I become oblivious to who I am.
I’m not saying it’s wrong to get inspired by others. In fact I think we always, to some degree, soak up what’s around us and create our own thing from what’s been here before. Rather, it’s about the fine line between automatically kicking into hustle mode. Or pausing, and listening, and getting curious about your own – BEFORE you run and do art that’s not really yours.
You can do that one, too. This is meant for you who has their own intuition whispering about something lying dormant, yet desiring to be heard – and you feel you keep falling off.
So, Anna, what about the “how do I fix this?” Well, there is absolutely nothing to fix, which has been the point all along. Your voice has been here all the time, waiting for you to just let go and listen. What if we took a stand for ourselves in that we were okay where we are at? The listening would be so much easier. Because it’s not becoming about someone else, someone better, fancier, smarter. It’s simply expressing more and more of who you already are.