Even though we’re quick to say “yes” – be it whether we are carried away by our enthusiasm, or to make others happy. To not lose what we’ve got… If we turn from a “yes” into a “no” without telling the people around us, we don’t do a favour to anyone.
The problem is: The “no” is tough at first: We fear the consequences more than anything. Totally logical and understandable for our lizard brain…. And besides, we do have some fun, we can see the potential, and a new project has always been reason enough, anyway. There is plenty cause around to keep doing something.
What we systematically underestimate though? The hidden consequences. The long-term problems. The subtly increasing overextensions of ourselves and – oftentimes – the big bang at the end.
We rarely gauge things consciously. Not primarily because we’re too stupid or don’t want to do it. For one, we instinctively put more weight on the presence. On the other hand, we automatically prefer what we know. The problems caused by an avoided «no» are familiar. Not unlike the boiling frog that stays in the pot with the water just gradually warming up: We much prefer the same, familiar mind trap over having to face the unknown. Regardless of the fact that this very unknown could considerably improve our life – it could make it worse, too, I mean it’s unknown after all. That’s how the “comfort” zone works.
Now, how DO I say “no”, then?
You see, the prerequisites to say no aren’t really great. In case you got annoyed about yourself for having said yes once again: You’re in great company 😉
Speaking of annoyance: The best you can actually do to yourself is to accept yourself and what you do, instead of getting angry. Because – as long as it’s going to hurt like hell and you judge yourself every time it happens, it becomes so. much. harder to have a look what actually happened.
Create clarity on both sides: Don’t just become aware how often you’re saying “no” right now. Even more so, become aware what really matters to you. What may help: Visions. Write down your priorities. Meditate. Planning and structure (if you think ewww, find a way that supports you!).
It’s not important which one you choose, but it’s important to create a solid foundation: What do you want in life? What’s most important to you? What has to be the first thing in your days? What if you were able to only do a single thing? How much time do you have? And how much energy?
Only if you know what IS, you can solidly decide on what you want to create.
And yet, even being really clear in this, at first, you’ll end up in the same trap. It just takes time and practice to break an automatism. Two things there: Don’t give up. Often, nothing happens for a long time. And – keep returning to clarity. Have a long, hard look, be loving to yourself and think about what happened. Plus: Revise your decision if necessary.
Of course it’s likely to be uncomfortable for your counterpart if you change your opinion. But I’m sure you know this from the opposite point of view: Do you prefer a grudging “yes”, usually together with some secret resentment, or a painful, but short “no”?
No enables Yes!
In my opinion, the beautiful thing about the «No» is that the «Yes»es become SO much more valuable. You may say «yes» less often, but they are genuine. Reliable. Others don’t have to keep worrying whether it’s real, whether you really want it, whether maybe muuuuuch later there’s going to be a huge bang. For me, my relationships have gained depth and connection. They sustain so much more than they used to – no matter what my lizard brain may have to say about this.