… Or maybe rather: It lies in who you are when you experience loss and failure. And since we all do, you might as well go look for the magic right in front of your nose when things don’t go as planned.
We can get super-stuck in our negative experience, get all wound up in the discomfort around things not going the way we want them to – or we can find the magic in loss and failure.
Accept what is.
Is your life full of “should”, too? If only you had X and things finally were the way they should be, you would be happy/fulfilled/good?
And have you ever noticed it’s a trap and the goal is constantly moving?
And guess what: Even if you never suffered major loss or failure ever, you still would experience it all the same. You’re “should-ing” on whichever level you are – whether you have all that money, an awesome job/relationship/friends/body… And consequently you will always experience failure
My point is: There’s absolutely no way to escape acceptance of loss and failure and all the shitty feelings that come with it if you want to live a fulfilled, meaningful life.
If you aren’t totally resigned and living a life within very tight boundaries, just to stay safe, you will experience failure and loss. Sadness, frustration, fear, anger.
You are always going to experience the stuff that sucks, and as long as you try to numb, manage or escape the feelings, you actually feed into them. They persist, linger, hang around much longer, waiting to be processed.
As long as you’re thinking “I shouldn’t feel this way” on some level, you are stuck. And the first bit of magic lies in doing the opposite: Accepting, processing, venting and breathing your way through what just IS your reality in this moment.
Alter who you are.
After I created a breakthrough around acceptance, I personally went through a time that felt quite dire. I created failure, I experienced anger, sadness, frustration. I sat with it, again and again – and it wasn’t fun.
Only over time I became curious whether this is what life has to be about?
A disclaimer before I dive into this: You cannot alter without accepting, first. Otherwise, you’re going to act on top over some avoidance strategy and it’s never going to create the transformation you’re looking for. It’s going to be a surface-y fix of your experience, but the underlying unrest and fear is sticking around. It’s going to be another thing you’re “shoulding” about – guaranteed.
But there’s something beyond acceptance, and that’s what I call altering who you are with loss and failure.
Shit happens, accompanied by all those feelings you don’t really want to feel. Always will. And knowing it’s there to be experienced, you feel your way through it. Every. Single. Time. And it sucks…
Until you shift your focus, seeing there are things like your own courage and persistence, too.
Until you return to trusting the universe, celebrating life and everything you’ve got.
Until you return to the beauty of the present moment, and it’s not so much about this current failed endeavour anymore, but about a fully felt human experience.
Ok, I admit, it still sucks. But altering who you are about loss and failure has two bits of magic in it:
#1 It’s less about wallowing in all the stuff you feel. It still is, but less holding onto and ultimately magnifying, giving the stuff even more space than necessary. And while it’s easy to abuse this one as a fix, and it may always be a tightrope to walk, it also can give you access to what you actually need, one layer behind the pain. Trust, love, letting go of the past.
#2 The Depth you gain. Even loss and sadness are an intricate part of living life fully. It doesn’t just mean dire feelings of loss, end of story. It also means you have loved and been willing to let your heart be broken. It means you tried and worked for something. And even if we can’t see it in the moment – it’s the magic that creates not only the lows, but also the heights. You need the dark moments to co-create the light.
And in this magic, I find solace. What about you?