you built a golden cage for yourself.
You feel oddly trapped in your own life, and you don’t understand why that is. It’s odd because looked at from the outside, your life looks enviable. Odd, because you created all the “good things”: A successful career. An expertise others rely on. A proven ability to achieve whatever you put your mind to. So all of these? Golden.
And yet, something is missing, and while it’s not loud and disruptive, it never goes away, either. And that’s the cage part. You boxed yourself in somehow. It’s hard to really spot, because the cage isn’t made of your failures – it’s made of your successes. You’re so good at serving others’ agendas, that you have lost yourself in the process.
You look for a fix, but at the wrong places
You have been praised for your gifts all your life and achieved extraordinary things with them. You have honed them, understand them, and know how to put them to use. Others rely on you and you know what to do like no one else. Consequently, this is your automatic baseline: You will return to the things you’re good at and acknowledged for.
This is what you overlook: There’s more to you than meets the eye – even your own. You have naturally exploited the gifts that have been welcome and useful. However, there have been sides to you that didn’t fit – so you learnt to keep them under lock and key, long ago. Do this for long enough, and you stop clearly seeing the full picture of what is possible. Like you have perfected finding unsual, creative solutions for your company that always strike a perfect balance of fresh and never “too out there”. You shut out anything wild and unruly, you never go too far.
Letting that inner wild side out is risky, for everything you have built. So even if you might have an idea it’s a part of the trap you find yourself in, you look somewhere safe. You try to find answers within the system, like make more money or achieve a higher status. But look, the fact remains: You cannot feed your deeper desires with superficial solutions. A life where you listen to yourself and your calling does, and you miss all of that as long as you cut off a part of yourself.
Just because you can doesn’t mean you have to
Deep and complex minds achieve what others can’t. Because there aren’t many around being able to do what you do, the step from ‘can do’ to ‘must do’ is tiny. But that’s exactly where the misconception originates. I mean, if you didn’t exist in the first place, these problems would still get solved. Or, if there were two of you, you both would end up just as overtaxed.
Your brilliance isn’t a public utility, and your capacity is what it is. It could be considerably less – if you got ill for example. I promise, the world will keep going, adapt and cope way better than you thought possible.
What’s more: This isn’t a linear equation. “More of you” doesn’t equal more (and better) output. In fact: Look after yourself well, delegate better, and let go of this idea that you betray your loved ones – and the quality of your work will increase more than you could imagine.
As long as you live under the impression that if you see even a somewhat you-shaped gap, you must fill it, you won’t find the space to discover the parts of you you have suppressed in order to support others
Back to square one: Make it about you, not them.
We automatically assume that making it about us is selfish and wrong. And yes, there are many sad examples of big egos putting themselves first. But you, reading this, in this situation, are not the one who should worry. If anything, you putting your “most useful” aspects in service of others’ whims is the selfish thing. It means you don’t have to confront the people-pleaser in you.
It has served you to not set boundaries around your own gifts and skills. To not explore the unruly, rebellious parts. To flow with the path of least resistance instead of forging your own unique one. To others, this might look courageous and special. But that nagging feeling – that you are not being all of you – is the most telling part of this story.
Your job here is to create a space. A literal place in time and energy set aside, where these other bits can actually show up. It is beautiful process, and you probably really long to rediscover yourself, get a fuller picture of who you are, what you can do, and what you WANT to do. The growing pains will be real, but this work is about more than ‘finding a calling’: Leaning into every aspect of who you are inevitably leads to a fuller life. The freedom you unlock here bleeds into every corner of your life: your relationships, your peace, your capacity for joy. It’s the difference between getting by and truly living. It’s the full, messy, unruly you, fully unleashed.
navigate through discomfort, discover yourself
- Expect discomfort and feelings of betrayal when you start to make different choices: To create space, you must start saying ‘no’ to things you said previously ‘yes’ to. Not everyone will like it – least of all your inner people-pleaser. Some will surprise you by stepping up – some won’t. It’s not your job to make them happy through overgiving. Decide what you can sustainably deliver, and then follow through, bit by bit, conversation by conversation.
- You will fumble. It will feel like it sucks. You’re not used to using let’s say that wild creative part I talked about. Stashing it away for years means you won’t gain automatic access now. You will need to practice like a creativity baby and it will take time, effort, diligence. You are currently an expert in your field; the drop to beginner status will be stark and unexpected. The better you embrace the learning process, the more likely you will progress faster than you thought.
- When you choose yourself, you will have to go against the current for the rest of your life. Releasing parts of you that were ‘too out there’ won’t suddenly make them palatable. People will not get you. Not understand why you do what you do. So be prepared that not everyone will support your choices and think they’re incredible. That is the price of showing up with all of you, rather than just the parts that fit someone else’s agenda. The payoff are unexpected allies and the inspiration of those who actually matter.
- Your calling won’t magically come to you, and it will not be easy to build. Even if you have known your calling for years, you will find the actual work to bring it to life is often confronting. There may not be many others out there who have done what you want before you. You might start even earlier, with only a vague sense of where you want to go. You need time to figure it out. Play. Experiment. Fail as much as you succeed. This is how you find what is actually yours.
With all of these, consistency beats big steps every time. You will have to feel the discomfort, yes – but only as much as you can handle at a time. If you freak out, you set yourself back. Find a step width small enough to work without long recovery gaps.
Be aware that this is an endeavour for the soul, deep and meaningful for you by definition. It will bring up feelings. So – go gift yourself some great support. Find the right kind of supportive friend, or better yet, invest in the professional support your calling – and a life that feels whole – deserve. If this work calls you forward, look at the True North Rebel. Or, start with the free Complexity Compass to understand your own mind even deeper.
