you built a golden cage for yourself.
You feel oddly trapped in your own life, and you don’t understand why that is. It’s odd because looked at from the outside, your life looks enviable. Odd, because you created all the “good things”: A successful career. An expertise others rely on. A proven ability to achieve whatever you put your mind to. So all of these? Golden.
And yet, something is missing, and while it’s not loud and disruptive, it never goes away, either. And that’s the cage part. You boxed yourself in somehow. It’s hard to really spot, because the cage isn’t made of your failures – it’s made of your successes. You’re so good at serving others’ agendas, that you have lost yourself in the process.
You look for a fix, but at the wrong places
You have been praised for your gifts all your life and achieved extraordinary things with them. You have honed them, understand them, and know how to put them to use. Consequently, this is your automatic baseline: You will return to the things you’re good at and acknowledged for.
This is what you overlook: There’s more to you than meets the eye – even your own. You have naturally exploited the gifts that have been welcome and useful. However, there have been sides to you that didn’t fit – so you learnt to keep them under lock and key, long ago. Do this for long enough, and you stop clearly seeing the full picture of what is possible. Like you have perfected finding unusual, creative solutions for your company that always strike a perfect balance of fresh and never “too out there”.
Letting that other, wilder side out is risky, for everything you have built. So in your search for what is missing you automatically turn to the safe answer. Even if some part of you suspects this “safe” answer is just another version of the trap… You go looking there anyway. You try to find answers within the system, like make more money or achieve a higher status.
But look, the fact remains: You cannot feed your deeper desires with superficial solutions. Only a life built around listening to yourself and your calling actually can – and you miss out on all of it as long as you keep cutting off a part of yourself.
Just because you can do something, doesn’t mean you have to
Here’s another layer: Deep and complex minds achieve what others can’t. Because there aren’t many around capable of doing what you do, the step from ‘can do’ to ‘must do’ is tiny. If it’s not you, who else?? But that’s exactly where the misconception originates. I mean, if you didn’t exist in the first place, these problems would still get solved. Or, if there were two of you, you both would end up just as overtaxed.
There is no objective obligation. Your brilliance isn’t a public utility, and your capacity is what it is. It could be considerably less – if you got ill for example. I promise, the world would keep going without you, adapt and cope way better than you thought possible.
You also need to realise that this isn’t even a linear equation. “More of you” in the space (time and energy spent) doesn’t equal more (and better) output. In fact: Look after yourself well, delegate better, and let go of this idea that you betray your loved ones – and the quality of your work will increase more than you could imagine.
As long as you live under the impression that if you see even a somewhat you-shaped gap, you must fill it, you won’t find the space to discover the parts of you you have suppressed in order to support others.
for neurodivergent leaders, “can” is an even bigger lie
This misreading runs deeper for neurodivergent leaders. What looks like effortless capability from the outside is often you spending a resource nobody else can see, let alone gauge. It could be that you get one thing done with a hyperfocus that you can’t just schedule on demand for another task. Or you mentally rehearse for a meeting to make sure you hit the sweet spot between presenting the idea everyone wants, yet not overwhelming them with your grand plan.
Nobody’s counting that cost, including you. So what “I can do this” actually means is: “I did it once without anyone noticing what it took”.
step 1: learn to be “selfish” (not how you think)
We automatically assume that centering ourselves – our needs and boundaries and dreams – is selfish and wrong. And yes, there are many sad examples of big egos putting themselves first. But you, reading this, in this situation, are not the one who should worry. If anything, you putting your “most useful” aspects in service of others’ whims is the selfish thing. It means you don’t have to confront the people-pleaser in you.
It has served you to not set boundaries around your own gifts and skills. To not explore the unruly, rebellious parts. To flow with the path of least resistance instead of forging your own unique one. To others, it might even look courageous and special what you have achieved. But that nagging feeling – that you are not being all of you – is the most telling part of this story.
Your job here is to create a space. A literal place in time and energy set aside, where your wild bits can actually show up. You probably really long to rediscover yourself, get a fuller picture of who you are, what you can do, and what you WANT to do.
The longing gets big, because his work is about more than just ‘finding a calling’: Leaning into every aspect of who you are will lead to a fuller life. The freedom you unlock in one place bleeds into every corner of your life: your relationships, your peace, your capacity for joy. It’s the difference between getting by and truly living. It’s the full, messy, unruly you, free to show up with all of you.
The growing pains will be real, too though:
navigate through discomfort to discover your whole self – here’s the work:
- Expect discomfort and feelings of betrayal when you start to make different choices: To create space, you must start saying ‘no’ to things you said previously ‘yes’ to. Not everyone will like it – least of all your inner people-pleaser. Some will surprise you by stepping up – some won’t. It’s not your job to make them happy through overgiving. Decide what you can sustainably deliver, and then follow through, bit by bit, conversation by conversation.
- You will fumble. It will feel like it sucks. You’re not used to using, let’s say that, wild creative part I talked about. Stashing it away for years means you won’t gain automatic access now. You will need to practice like a creativity baby and it will take time, effort, diligence. You are currently an expert in your field; the drop to beginner status will be stark and unexpected. The better you embrace the learning process, the more likely you will progress faster than you thought.
- When you choose yourself, you will have to go against the current for the rest of your life. Releasing parts of you that were ‘too out there’ won’t suddenly make them palatable. People will not get you. Not understand why you do what you do. So be prepared that not everyone will support your choices and think they’re incredible. That is the price of showing up with all of you, rather than just the parts that fit someone else’s agenda. The payoff is unexpected allies and the inspiration of those who actually matter.
- Your calling won’t magically come to you, and it will not be easy to build. Even if you have known your calling for years, you will find the actual work to bring it to life is often confronting. There may not be many others out there who have done what you want before you. You might start even earlier, with only a vague sense of where you want to go. You need time to figure it out. Play. Experiment. Fail as much as you succeed. This is how you find what is actually yours.
With all of these, consistency beats big steps every time. You will have to feel the discomfort, yes – but only as much as you can handle at a time. If you freak out, you set yourself back. Find a step width small enough to work without long recovery gaps.
Be aware that this is an endeavour for the soul, deep and meaningful for you by definition. It will bring up feelings. So – go gift yourself some great support. Find the right kind of supportive friend, or better yet, invest in support that actually matches what this calling deserves. If this work is calling you forward, the True North Rebel might be exactly that. Or, start with the free Complexity Compass to understand your own mind even deeper.
