Why it’s hard to be “too smart” part 2
If only it was linear, wasn’t it? The more brain power you have, the more you can conquer the world, amass accolades and lead an overall incredible life. Instead I bet you have found yourself… In countless unhelpful thinking traps… Despairing why others can just DO stuff where you see limits and caveats and extras … wondering if you’re just “too smart” (not in a good way!) more than once. Here’s how that works and what you can do to change it:
It’s not bigger = works better (in most areas).
Ok so here’s how and why bigger brain – unfortunately – doesn’t mean better brain. It mostly means “more of everything”. More capacity, more intelligence (of all kinds – read more here), keener perception, better access to intuition – yes.
But also, more brain connections include:
- A ton of movement in your brain. It won’t just stop when you want it to. Instead it keeps making connections, and easily goes into overdrive. That in itself can drive you nuts at times, but there’s more…
- More problems. As a human, you’re evolutionarily wired to spot issues and problems early (sabre-toothed tiger is all I say). So more capability to see them consequently also often leads to more anxiety and stress. So, so many problems…
- Similar to problems: limitations, including your own. And here your humanity gets you again. No matter how smart, we can’t really gauge limitations in our brains – we need to experiment with them in real life. But when you see so many, this can be hard and get you lost in thinking before you start.
- Overexcitability: E.g. being intellectually gifted means you are likely insanely curious and have an intense focus. Or physically gifted means you have a lot of tension and restlessness, too. (btw – super common to get misdiagnosed for Adhd). They don’t make life easier either.
- Your own complexity and values: A way of thinking that changes not just in quantity, but in quality also. Your mind can make connections other brains don’t, and you end up drawing unusual conclusions others can’t follow. SO while that is “better” in theory, in practical terms it can be hard to “translate”. Examples: You may have an insane moral compass, or you try to convey the whole interconnectedness in 2 sentences or so – and you just… lose people.
It’s so much more than IQ and no one talks about it.
I’m so curious about who will read this and think “ohhh this is me, but wait IS IT? I don’t think I’m gifted/special/a real outlier – there’s merely this or that aspect”.
It’s such an interesting one: Someone found out about intelligence and ways to measure it, and we have consequently narrowed down the concept to this measurable number. Even if someone tested gifted, they often think it’s only kids or otherwise a fluke. That the consequences are minor. What makes it worse: Seen from outside, gifted lives often seem lived well, extraordinarily so.
So we end up living with this narrow definition not just of “who qualifies as gifted in the first place” but also “these kinds of people are obviously capable”. Yes! Because you do usually have the capacity to fit in superficially, and make yourself smaller as needed.
But from inside, it’s often a different story – even more so if you haven’t recognised your own giftedness and / or the specific needs that come with it. Here are the specific issues:
Compartmentalising and exploitation
As a human you naturally want to fit in, first and foremost. Read all about it in the first part of this series. I want to talk about two specific aspects here that modify how you look at your own bright mind and why IQ as a measure just doesn’t cut it AND how it harms you.
- Compartmentalising: You learn early on that some of your skills are unwanted, too much, too scary etc. That you are “too smart” in some areas, and that your caregivers do not appreciate of you showing up that way. Being too creative or too sensitive and tuned in are good examples. And easy to dismiss, because we don’t measure them like we measure IQ. So what you do is to learn to adapt and apply your skills in a way and to a degree that is welcomed, which naturally doesn’t feel great because you suppress your very being. That leads me to the second, opposite point:
- Exploitation: Let me give you an example from my own life. While I have a strong sense for logical thinking and I am intellectually gifted, I would actually say my strongest gifts are intuition, empathy and creativity. I learnt to reign those in, and mostly use the intellectual gift – not just use it, but overuse it. In hindsight it has felt like I exploit the part of my brain that fit in best, choosing it OVER others. Let’s say I felt something intuitively, but that wasn’t “allowed”, so I reverted to logic. It worked well from the outside, it was “right”… but left me feel like I never got to live a life with “complete me”.
Can you see how easy it is to abuse your own gift to fit in, to a degree that makes the extent of your own gifts invisible to you? Double whammy: Some because you actively modify them, and some because they’re not recognised in the first place.
diagnoses, gender and trauma getting in the way
There is such a thing as being twice or multi exceptional. You can be gifted and have ADHD, be on the autism spectrum, dyslexia etc. And last but not least, any kind of trauma. And all of these modify how your gifts show up. Make it harder to recognise that you are wildly capable in some areas and struggle in others. Or they cancel each other out sometimes. All of that leading to questioning yourself even more and for the concept of IQ to fall short super quickly.
Important note: As a coach, I am not qualified to treat trauma, but there’s two things I can say nonetheless: 1) Trauma can get in the way of expressing your potential big time. 2) There’s such a thing as “gifted trauma” (check out Jen’s podcast series), which can be a helpful concept. (read about small and capital T trauma for further distinction)
Another thing I want to mention is that “simply” being socialised a woman in a patriarchy (and/or likely being gender fluid, transgender etc. – but I have no expertise in this area) puts so many obstacles in your way to recognising your own giftedness that it can take years to recognise and honour your own mind, capabilties and needs.
All of these are examples of how you end up with “it’s complex” and don’t necessarily pass an IQ test with flying colours, telling you you are gifted and leaves you with a clear path forward. Now, on to some things you CAN do to deal with being “too smart”:
Help! But how?
It can be tough to get help when you walk around with a unique, exceptional and bright mind. Again, especially if it doesn’t exactly fit into what we look at as “classically intellectually gifted” first and foremost, when you struggle to even recognise that you do in fact have an outlier brain.
Here are 3 things you may already know and tried, but can practice differently to get your needs met. Disclaimer: I highly recommend for you to get support from a gifted mentor, coach or therapist if you want to get good at those – this is merely an introduction.
I also add a few possible next step to get more support below.
Meditation for “too smart” brains:
You likely have to modify how you mediate – if you meditate at all that is. I didn’t for years, because it drove me nuts. Instead I have found ways to find back to my body in other ways, that feel like meditation nonetheless. So here’s your permission slip to do whatever helps to calm your brain’s racing thoughts, feel your own body and be present with what life is gifting you in the moment. It might be a walk or run. It may be a guided session or hypnosis. It may even be reading a particular thing or a game you don’t get too lost in. What is it if you allow yourself anything?
Be relatable without giving up on yourself:
Ok so: What if you didn’t give in to resignation when it came to other people and instead tried to find different ways to communicate?
What if you fully embraced and accepted that you had your own way of thinking that a lot of people can’t really follow… And you were super upfront and open about it?
Random examples of what you could say: “My brain functions a bit different in this regard, please stop me if you can’t relate to what I’m saying”. Or: “Let me give you a quick overview of what I see. How much of a breakdown do you want?”. “Please stop me if I overwhelm you as I can have that tendency.” “Hey, I have a big visioning gift, but sometimes that scares people. Can I walk you through my process?”
Whatever it is for you: You can begin to take your giftedness into account actively, explain it and invite people in. This is literally leadership, even if you don’t have the position.
Learn real self-love
Do you oscillate between …
… on the one hand feeling like a fraud, judging yourself for not fitting in or not delivering stuff in a way people don’t understand.
… on the other had, sometimes, marvel at your own brain and its strokes of genius. How you solved a particularly tricky problem, how you got just the right idea and everything resolved so beautifully?
Both aren’t ideal because they exaggerate two sides of your gift, either being too much or not enough. And both are fuelled by a lack of self-love. Because what actual, real self-love does is to realistically look at your gifts (and the rest of you, too) and embrace both the light and shadow they naturally bring with them.
My next article that I will link here is going to be on the leadership skills you need to literally *lead* a successful life with your gifts, where I go a lot deeper on this topic.
Possible next steps after this:
- First of all, here is part 1 of this series to read more about fitting in and understanding your own mind.
- Take the «bright minds quiz» to find out which archetype you fit best. The result includes a couple of powerful next steps you can take – tailored to your type. (This is a playful and not a scientific approach and you can read up on all types after!)
- One of the most life-changing things you can gift yourself with an outlier brain is to get coaching and/or mentoring from a similarly bright mind. Reach out for a free 30min conversation to discuss options. Plus, get your burning curiosity satisified around any new discovery you just made.
