You want to do a great job? Lend your people an ear at all times? Say yes to as much and many as you can, dishing out support, extra hours, extra care? You may even think it’s bad and selfish to say no – it is your job to enable those around you be their best version of themselves after all.
In fact, the opposite is true: It’s selfish to NOT say no.
But first, let me give you some background:
You need to understand that every single human on this planet has (very) limited resources. Time and energy most of all. Consequently, each and one of us has to make a LOT of choices about where to put them, and say “no” to a lot of things.
We tend not to be very aware of that, because we choose automatically most of the time. Contracted to work 8+ hours a day? You won’t go to that daily 2hr afternoon dog walk. Have a family at home? Weekends are off-limits. Have a pressing project? Easy to say no to another one.
But then, less obvious choices have to happen.
Your boss relies on you to do this super important & urgent thing. Your report is upset and needs your help. You know you can elegantly and quickly solve a tricky issue that has come up… AND:
You can fit it in, just about. And you say yes.
It saves you the discomfort of disappointing someone, the risk of getting told off. No room for criticism when you are the one doing it all – might even give you recognition and perks!
And THIS is selfish. Because you don’t have to face the vulnerability of making a conscious choice and say no, even though in theory, you have a little room left for the thing they ask you for.
If you slowed it down and did some math, you would know it wouldn’t work out with the time/energy budget you have available. But you don’t lean out. You don’t face your inner conflict and really, fully assess the options.
To make things worse, “saying no = selfish” isn’t even completely wrong: There is likely some personal gain involved, because you will have more fun in life when you think about how much time and energy you have early on. Not ending up in a mad rush all the time, but actually enjoying what you do.
Here are the consequences of “doing it all”:
For one, you are in emergency mode a LOT, with very little wiggle room to make choices. And those choices tend to be more extreme, somewhat uncontrollable and often damaging, for two reasons: One, you and your team haven’t got the space to slow down and get creative in terms of the *best* soludtion. Instead you need to run with what seems the most obvious, fastest fix, usually including painful cuts and compromises. Two, you simply run up against constraints, timelines, demands and other circumstances that are in your face now (as opposed to saying no to more and other things earlier in the process).
Let’s say you said yes to three projects. They might seemed super attractive at the time, it saved you disappointing your boss, and you counted on your top workers. Then, one of them gets sick, one project takes a LOT more effort, and the other one has a timeline that gets moved up. You will have to cut down and compromise so much, likely on all 3 projects. Had you chosen two upfront, you could have made much more active choices.
Also, your strategy gets back to you, because people stop trusting you and your “yes”. They never quite know what they can rely on with you. They know you *will* hit the wall again, but they don’t know when it will come, and what it is going to tangibly look like. Will someone have to work overtime? Who? Will they have to put up with a stressed out, emotionally and otherwise unavailable boss? Will someone be let go to cut cost even?
They can’t reliably predict (nor can you) which of your promises will count and which ones won’t. In full truth, your “yeses” are half-hearted “maybe’s”
“But I am really good at making shit happen”
Even if you pride yourself in making shit happen, like you can make impossible stuff work and bend time, because you are creative and ingenious… It will hurt something or someone when you go beyond capacity. Think your family and friends and how much time is left for them, and not least your own health and overall quality of life. Something has to give, always. This in turn will also affect how well you can lead your people. For one, because you will have less capacity for everyone’s humanity.
Like: Imagine you being on full-throttle and one of your top workers enters your office, distraught because their dog is sick. Will you really have the space to be there for them and give them what they need like that? Without any judgemental or desperate undertone whatsoever? Especially being a cat person.
Secondly because you model putting yourself last. Your people see you working yourself into the ground and not taking care of yourself, even if you encourage them to do differently. Humans mirror actions, not words.
Is this how you want to be there for your people?
So really, here’s the irony: By trying to do the “right” thing and giving everyone what they want, you give them way less of what they actually needed from you as a leader:
- Your promises that hold (for the most part, because no one is perfect)
- your emotional and mental solidity, because you have space left for them
- Knowing they can trust you, especially when things go wrong.
How do I hold my promises in times like these?
You may wonder how you can fix this, do better going forward. Especially because the world is mad and you need to fulfil really high expecations, constantly.
Know that to a certain extent good leadership is uncomfortable. It means to stand up and do the thing that you believe is the right one, and have the relevant difficult conversations with your own boss and/or clients. So the question is less «how can I do it?» and more «am I willing to face the discomfort and get the skills & support I need for it?»
Also, I will admit right away that it does go against a lot of what the world around you screams into your ear. It’s often optimised for fast results, exploiting humans and leaving the status quo as long as it works well enough. You will need to build your own vision for yourself and your team that is stronger than the screaming out there.
You need to know deep within that it’s worth to be responsible to find a way. Here’s what it could look like:
Standing up for yourself and your team to operate within what you are capable of will lead to MUCH better results down the line. Think of…
… having a team that has your back – and you theirs – because you can rely on each other. … knowing what you are capable of, delivering on a high level consistently AND having reserves to make exceptions but with upfront, conscious choices.
… operating with a lot more creativity and not least fun and spirit to solve problems sustainably.
Find what keeps YOU going!
For now, here are a few small and tangible steps to start with making a difference:
- Get used to slowing down and breathing as a first reaction, before you say anything such as agreeing to another fancy project. Even better: Try to push out the decision by a day, sit down in a quiet moment, and do the maths.
- Be the first one to do the scary thing. Example: Stand up for your people and say no to your boss when you know your team doesn’t sufficient capacity for their latest idea. Talk to your people about what may be possible and then get back to your boss.
- Learn strategies to deal with the discomfort of setting boundaries. Examples: Are there ways you can hold your ground and say “no” that don’t sound like a “fuck you”? Do you know your non-negotiables (like not working weekends), so when someone asks you you are already really clear inside?
p.s. Get the no-guide here to go deeper on this topic and get a) a better understanding of your own brain that loves yes so much more than no, and b) really tangible practices and more examples to unlock a different balance of yes & no that is a better fit for you and your people.