It’s an unavoidable part of leadership: Sometimes, you have to tell people things they don’t want to hear. Here’s a guide on how to do it without getting whacky, closing yourself off, and/or coming across as judgemental, forceful and careless.
Get to know thyself before you go in with them.
If you have followed me for a while you know I sound like a broken record on this.
But really, this is the single most important thing in leadership: You have to know your own inner workings to be able to support people with theirs. And when you have to bring bad news, they will not be happy and not necessarily show their best sides.
But you as a leader have to be able to hold them wherever they are in this moment. And for that to be possible in the first place, you need to know your own human reaction to others’ fear, disappointment, anger, etc.
Because only if you know that you recoil when someone shouts at you or that you try to fix it for them when they get afraid, you can learn to hold back with your reaction. This doesn’t mean you can’t process or aren’t allowed to feel by the way – at all. It just means that in this moment, you are there for your people as their leader with empathy and care, as they process bad news.
If you don’t do the work, this is how it usually goes:
Here are a few typical patterns that we have when we bring bad news, already bracing for impact:
- Putting it into a shit sandwich, like pre-empting everything you say before you even get to the point, then telling them about the bad news, and then putting a ton of apologies out after to make everyone “feel better”. It’s not your fault and they are lovable people after all.
- You frame the news by blaming others. It’s not your fault what the board decided and/or what the economy is like for example. You can act as the bearer of bad news you couldn’t avoid and then side with them against the other evil people.
- No being quite honest. You can stay as vague as possible and use bullshit speak that doesn’t quite get to the point. Instead you tell them a part of the whole, hard truth in a way that leaves leeway for interpretation and takes away responsibility from you.
- Rushing it. You go tell them essentially as fast as possible, leaving out the details, giving them the big picture, possibly already jumping to solutions you have ready for them before they even digested what you just said.
- Telling them via e-mail. That’s the easiest cop-out of them all, at least short term – they will have processed one way or another when you see them again, and you may still get backlash, but it’s better than getting it in the moment, with people having settled back into their usual resignation or similar.
- Bite the bullet and toughen up. No frills, no games. You get hard and tough and just tell them and that is it. No empathy, no waste of time.
The problem with all of these is that you treat your reports not like equals who deserve to know, but more like petulant kids (and even looking at kids that way is questionable). You hide behind a bunch of strategies that make it more comfortable, first and foremost for yourself, and maybe for them, too, but only short-term.
And this is a prime ingredient to make people hate you.
How it goes if you are willing to take the brunt
Let’s say you learnt to wield empathy and clarity at the same time and look at your reports as equal human beings who have a right to know whatever the news happen to be. What does that do? It allows for them to have a reaction (and it gives you more leeway, too!). It allows them to lean on you as their leader as they need it. It allows you and them to partner on a solution that is best not just for the company or for you, but for them, too.
Here is an example what this could tangibly look like. Let’s say you need to tell your people that they won’t get a bonus this year because the company is struggling.
Predictably, people will be disappointed, afraid, angry and sad.
Before you tell them, ground yourself. Breathe. You could even bring up your team members and their typical reactions as a mental image and practice a different kind of reaction. This is NOT about rehearsing and trying to find the perfect thing to say. This is about already knowing what makes your breath quicker – conjuring it up and training to slow your breath in the face of it. (Side note – for more, deeper and bespoke strategies on that, check out the change work intensive)
In the actual conversation, do your people a favour and tell them about the cut right away – and add that you want to support them through it and talk about what they might need. Own what you can own and apologise what you can genuinely apologise for. Keep it as concise as possible and ground yourself throughout.
Invite them to get it out. Let them vent while you keep breathing. Hold them and their emotion. And gently nudge them towards telling you more – the more you know, the better you can not just help them, but move everyone forward without losing momentum because everyone needs to lick their wounds first. Do not argue and justify or rush to concessions, but be open to apologising more and take responsibility for what you can. Stay genuine.
Lastly, help them to get their brain back online and move on to find solutions with them, thinking as far out of the box as you can without violating your boundaries or making promises you can’t hold after.
If done well, this process will help them to stay engaged and deepen the trust in you. Yes, they may still feel anger, but they won’t hate you, and especially not beyond a couple of intense minutes in which you talk to each other and find back to human connection.
p.s. Learn more strategies in my upcoming workshop on conflict and crisis on September 24. Sign up below to get notified – plus get my «no guide» right away, which will provide you with some additional ways to go deeper with yourself and your own reactions right away.