Why it’s hard to be “too smart” part 1
You would think that life is easier when you have exceptional brain power, wouldn’t you? However – even though having a brilliant mind (in whichever way – we’ll get to that!) makes up a big part of your conscious thinking, you being HUMAN outweighs you being smart or otherwise exceptional by a LOT. So no wonder you struggle with unexpected consequences. Even more so BECAUSE you do have it easy in some areas… Here’s the breakdown.
You belong to a minority and can’t blend in like others.
Let’s start with this major misconception. While society sort of covets giftedness* as a concept, that doesn’t mean gifted people actually showing up in the world have it easy.
(*Before we dive in further: You may not identify as gifted. Let’s work with a broader definition than the “IQ only” one. You are unusually bright, empathic, intuitive, transfer skills beyond the obvious, etc. – definitely unusual skills. You can read more here in Jen’s brilliant article.)
Look, your bright mind is just a small part of what makes you a human. You still have a brain which has predominantely been shaped by evolution. A creature guided by instinct and emotion, largely unconsciously. You will want to belong, first and foremost, fit in, find your peers, be a valued member of a group. And all of these become harder if you’re “too smart” because it makes you stick out.
Naturally, society overall is geared towards neurotypical people.
The average. And you are far from the average. This will inevitably, automatically put you into a minority with needs that differ from that average. Yes, it’s more obvious for people who have a condition that disables them. “Of course you have special needs if you can’t walk”. I don’t want to diminish their often incredibly tough experience, don’t get me wrong. But it’s a problem for you if you come in and (ab)use the “but they have it worse than me” logic to deny your own reality “just because you have gifts”.
But look, in fact it is tricky to have an exceptional brain, for various reasons:
- It’s not just linear and you are like an average human, just with more processing power like a computer. (You can read more about it in this follow-up article – this is an in-depth topic on its own).
- It’s difficult to find someone who normalises your experience. Most people won’t – can’t! So the step from that to feeling like an alien is a really small one.
- “What’s wrong with me?” is a question you probably have asked yourself many times. The relationship smart = better member of society doesn’t exist. It’s so, oh so easy to feel like a fraud or even stigmatised (see next section).
- Most people don’t understand what’s going on with you. They consequently have very mixed reactions when you excel at stuff “you shouldn’t”. Or they just don’t know how to deal with your intensity. (Which often comes with giftedness of all kinds. More on this here, and more on people’s reaction in the last section.)
There’s a lot you can’t explain and it makes you feel like a fraud.
Let’s talk examples here: You may be able to predict what probably happens next, someone’s next move or sentence. You may do stuff better than older, much more experienced people in your field. Plus – you see how to improve the systems next time. You may automatically and effortlessly mimic someone who shows you a movement once. You may be able to write/edit/take incredible pictures effortlessly, even though you don’t know the field… The possibilities are endless. I list a couple because having an extra brain can show up in soooo many different ways. I’m sure you can tell me your version.
They all have one thing in common: You seem to be able to… “just do” a thing in record time in a way (almost) no one else can… And that makes you question yourself and those skills, of course it would! Enter feeling like a fraud: Why would you be able to do that?
But let’s say your (specific) brain power is in the top 1-2% of the population – again, of course the world isn’t geared towards you! It will be built for the average person entering a training. People will assume you will need this many repetitions. Be a certain not-too-high level of alert to small physical & social cues. Draw this many conclusions within a given timeframe. See this and this (not too) far ahead.
… And then you come and excel at some stuff, “just like that” – yup, feeling like a fraud or a cheat is actually more natural than really owning that you happen to be “super talented” in some areas.
Speaking of talent, that’s actually a terrible concept in this context.
Often what you have isn’t straightforward “talent” at all! It’s more about an underlying (and a lot more invisible) skill of making connections, practicing more consciously and more often, seeing opportunities, sensing more etc. Which can easily further invalidate your experience.
Can you see how easy it is to feel like a fraud instead of accepting your own “too smart” brain?
And yep, ironically (or consequently) it’s… complex. Not just your experience of life is, with your brain producing a lot of depth and nuance. But the very fabric you are made of, too, so you aren’t easily put into a box that says “fraud”.
You were (likely) not brought up how you would have needed it.
Just because you brought a couple of special functions with you, that doesn’t mean that others (including your parents and teachers) knew how to handle them. If you were lucky they appreciated the “good parts”. Let’s say like grasping something quickly and they could rely on you to “get it right”. But then, not so much the anxiety and overwhelm that are on the other side of it. Even the allegedly “good parts” tend to be agreeable in some contexts only. It’s really not handy having a kid picking up on everything. “Please focus on the stuff you should learn to function well?”
Generally, their interventions come from a benevolent place. Your caregivers may want to prevent you from being arrogant, aloof or otherwise standing out in unfavourable ways. Or they support you to exploit those “good parts” of your mind. So you learn to be a high achiever, usually leading to success in traditional measures.
Whatever their motivations were: You likely end up with a wild mix of encouragement and discouragement. And that’s when the compartmentalising often begins… Where and how much can you show up with your gifts to be accepted and praised? Where is it ok, and where are you literally too smart? Slowly you learn to only show parts, and to hide, dim and control the full extent of who you are. So yes, you do end up fitting in superficially – but at what cost?
By the way: There is an incredible in-depth podcast on “gifted trauma” from Intergifted. It explores in which ways you can develop a trauma by being othered and invalidated – even or sometimes especially when those around you had their best intentions.
People have un-fun reactions to you.
You know, being “smart and capable and gifted” seems to be one of those things everyone wants, either themselves or for example in their employees. But when you actually ARE those things, you meet a lot of resistance, because people have FEELINGS about it. Sometimes it’s really straightforward: People may be jealous, and think you want to play it superior. That you probably learnt to cope with. But what’s worse? Is when people seem to WANT your skills – until they stop wanting them.
An example: In theory, an employee who is a quick learner, seeing the big picture and having a penchant for what to change for things to run substantially better than before? Sounds great, hired. But when you actually sweep in and show up… You quickly leave them overwhelmed, afraid (because you make them see their own limits), and resistant. That new system you wanted to introduce? But those risks! Change! It sounds good, but this is new and different and EEK! People struggle to trust in general, and when someone seems to work with out there methods and they lose track… Things can get real hairy real quick, and it sucks. Suddenly, you are too smart indeed and it’s not that fun.
So once again, the motivation to hide and show up in digestible way is big. But that inevitably means you have to play it small, smaller than you could. Sometimes it’s just in some areas, not so much in others… But that doesn’t distract from the dissatisfaction and desire to be able to show up and contribute fully.
Ok, I am an outlier and some things are hard, now what?
Here’s what could be next:
- First of all, here is part 2 of this series. It includes a few hands-on practices – most of them well known, but with twists for the bright mind.
- Take the “bright minds quiz” to find out which archetype you fit best. The result includes a couple of powerful next steps you can take – tailored to your type. (This is a playful and not a scientific approach and you can read up on all types after!)
- One of the most life-changing things you can gift yourself with an outlier brain is to get coaching and/or mentoring from a similarly bright mind. Reach out for a free 30min conversation to discuss options. Plus, get your burning curiosity satisified around any new discovery you just made.
