There are people who feel like you hit a wall every time you try to talk. Like you never get «through» to their real selves, what they really think and hope for. Instead they feed you just a bit, so, you walk away «happy enough». But you are left feeling unsatisfied and not much closer to making the difference you wanted to make with them, for them, the team and yourself.
It’s you just as much as it’s them.
So here’s the frustrating bit: No matter how much you tried, it’s you as much as them. Not because something is wrong with either of you, but because every one of us has only limited strategies to deal with people and their antics are limited. They work well with some and not so well with others. That’s just human and roots back into childhood:
Let’s say you grow up with a very rational parent – this gets you a TON of practice to deal with people who love to reason and argue. Not so much with someone who is volatile and following what they feel like in he moment.
This article depicts a few different archetypes and what the walls tend to be like you will hit with them, and how to potentially get over them. Important: They are obviously just this: archetypes lacking in subtlety. No one will be exactly like them – nor will your reaction be exactly like the ones I describe. Do not stop because of that. In fact if you want to stop and dismiss something I write… it’s probably worth having a closer look where the grains of an uncomfortable truth may lie for you.
Speaking of dismissal: Keep in mind that it’s easier to dismiss someone as “not being a good fit” or “he’s just too xxx”, or “I’m just bad with this kind of personality”, than having a closer look. This may be less comfortable, but would allow you to see how you can get past your usual stop and how you can contribute to change by starting with yourself.
You can’t avoid the vulnerable conversation
With all of these, you will find that you will have to have a conversation in which you will need to lean out the window. Like this: You will need to tell people what hasn’t felt great and that you would like to get past the wall. That you would like to do so in partnership with them. That you can see what you didn’t do well, but that you would also like for them to make an effort to do things differently on their end.
No matter how well you prepare and how vulnerable and “leader-ly” you show up to these conversations: Very most likely, you will see them do exactly the thing in defence. That’s why it is so important to look at your own default reaction to their pattern first, and know how to modify it. And be open to try again, as long as you and them are willing to keep trying. It’s not always easy to get past an entrenched mutual pattern.
And please know that it is always okay to set a boundary: I’m not writing all of this to encourage you to not honour your own capacity. It’s the opposite. I want you to lean out as far as you can, make an effort as long as you feel you can hold it together as a leader. Not further, because that will do more harm than good: When we lean out too hard, we always return to default patterns, hard and you will create more walls instead of less. Also, sometimes, relationships are beyond repair with any two people and their circumstances given.
Here are the archetypes:
The uber rational type
Let’s start with the type I just alluded to: The ones who always have a really good reason.
The wall: You may come in with brilliant arguments, but they will best you at one point or another. They tend to make you feel slightly helpless, and it doesn’t feel great to feel like you’re stupid. So you tend to leave them to their devices after they brought enough of their wisdom. Partly because you run out of arguments, but just as much because you’re just tired to keep arguing.
What to do about it: Stop arguing. Don’t make it about good reasons, but don’t go to the other extreme aka “I told you so” either. Instead, set a boundary and tell them that you won’t discuss every single reason of yours. Ask them what they need to make things happen. Get curious together with them: What do they get out of their reasoning, and how can they fulfil that need or desire instead? Listen for feelings they don’t want to feel – often we put reasoning over uncomfortable feelings underneath.
Ideas to work on yourself: Develop a bigger capacity to feel stupid. We all feel it, or are it at times, no matter how smart. Don’t fall prey to your own love of arguing if it’s not what serves you. How is your own relationship to “feel the feelings” vs. “just find good reasons”?
The preoccupied type
The wall: They just never have time and are already and always busy with some top priority stuff. Somehow they always convince you that it is indeed more pressing than the thing you have. And you end up leaving them to their devices really, because you can usually somehow reallocate resources (even if you do it yourself). You struggle to tell them
What to do about it: Have a look at their overall time management and ask more questions than you usually would about their workload. Do they get work from someone else, too? Do they get lost in details? Slow down more than both of you are comfortable with to really see where the time and effort goes and create a strategy together that better fit the actual reality.
Ideas to work on yourself: Slow down, have a really close look on time management in your team – especially if it’s painful. If you end up doing stuff yourself, assess if it’s what you really want or if you just struggle to “intrude”. Assess your relationship to micro-management.
The haughty/dismissive type
The wall: They manage to make you feel inferior. A bit like they lead you instead of you leading them, and not in a good way. They turn questions around to you. They subtly undermine your decisions, let you and others know that they have more experience or are otherwise superior. This can be a tough one, as it is often rooted in deep-seated insecurity on your end. And when you talk to them about it directly, they essentially keep going longer than you.
What to do about it: All of these types are easier to get through to by getting support, but this is probably number one. Essentially, you need to get curious about their underlying world. What makes them tick this way? It could be that they and most often, they actually really need to be heard on an emotional level. Think disappointment, anger, frustration and resignation.
Ideas to work on yourself: Practice to stand for yourself and others. Learn to sit with a lot of discomfort in the moment without being deterred from your goals. Have a look at what tends to uproot you, make you insecure, and leads to a more solid understanding of your place in the world.
The resigned and/or angry type
The wall: They either don’t really care, or they care too much, or they oscillate between the two. Either way, their reaction shuts you down and you don’t dare what feels like prying further.
What to do about it: Set a boundary when they treat you in a way that isn’t okay for you, but at the same time, create accountability: When can you talk if not now? What do they need to be able to stay in the conversation? What do they need to find back to what matters to them?
Ideas to work on yourself: What is your relationship with anger and resignation? Do you push through, or push down? Do you deal with them upfront and actively, or do they catch you unawares because you try to ignore them, or even tell yourself it’s not what you feel.
Best course of action: Get support
I said it before, but keep in mind that all of these are merely beginning points. My prediction is that you manage to modify some of the conversations, and turn around some of them at best – but often, these are temporary. It’s tough to see your own strategies, and impossible to do so at their full depth on your own. It’s like looking at let’s say orange or purple and trying to figure which two colours made it and see them separately.
So the deeper you go into mutual human dynamics, the more I recommend you get outside support to be able to clearly see your own patterns. Come to make a start in my workshop on conflict and crisis on September 24 – and get notified by signing up to my list for now. Bonus: My freebie will support you to see some of your patterns and give you a few more ways to work on your leadership right away.